But I will never be

He kissed me silent. There was longing in that kiss, tangy and bittersweet. Was that my own longing, or his? Then I understood, finally: it didnt matter.

But oh gods, oh goddess, it was so good. He tasted like cool dew. He made me thirsty. Just before I began to want more, he pulled back. I fought not to feel disappointment, for fear of what it would do to us both.

Go and rest, Yeine, he said. Leave your mothers schemes to play themselves out. You have your own trials to face.

And then I was in my apartment, sitting on the floor in a square of moonlight. The walls were dark, but I could see easily because the moon, bright though just a sliver, was low in the sky. Well past midnight, probably only an hour or two before dawn. This was becoming a habit for me.

Sieh sat in the big chair near my bed. Seeing me, he uncurled from it and moved onto the floor beside me. In the moonlight his pupils were huge and round, like those of an anxious cat.

I said nothing, and after a moment he reached up and pulled me down so that my head rested in his lap. I closed my eyes, drawing comfort from the feel of his hand on my hair. After a time, he began to sing me a lullaby that I had heard in a dream. Relaxed and warm, I slept.

23

Selfishness

TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, the Nightlord had said.

Something better for the world, I had replied.

But also

* * *

In the morning I went to the Salon early, before the Consortium session began, hoping to find Ras Onchi. Before I could, I saw Wohi Ubm, the other High North noblewoman, arriving on the Salons wide, colonnaded steps.

Oh, she said after an awkward introduction and my inquiry. I knew then, the instant I saw the pitying look in her eyes. You havent heard. Ras died in her sleep just these two nights past. She sighed. I still cant believe it. But, well; she was old.

I went back to Sky.

* * *

I walked through the corridors awhile, thinking about death.

Servants nodded as they passed me and I nodded back. Courtiersmy fellow highbloodseither ignored me or stared in open curiosity. Word must have spread that I was finished as an heir candidate, publicly defeated by Scimina. Not all of the stares were kind. I inclined my head to them anyhow. Their pettiness was not mine.

On one of the lower levels I surprised Tvril on a shadowed balcony, dangling a clipboard from one finger and watching a passing cloud. When I touched him, he started guiltily (fortunately catching the clipboard), which I took to mean he had been thinking about me.

The ball will begin at dusk tomorrow night, he said. I had moved to stand at the railing beside him, absorbing the view and the comfort of his presence in silence. It will continue until dawn the next morning. Thats tradition, before a succession ceremony. Tomorrow is a new moona night that was once sacred to the followers of Nahadoth. So they celebrate through it.

Petty of them, I thought. Or petty of Itempas.

Immediately after the ball, the Stone of Earth will be sent through the palaces central shaft to the ritual chamber, in the solarium spire.

Ah. I heard you warning the servants about this last week.

Tvril turned the clipboard in his fingers gently, not looking at me. Yes. A fleeting exposure supposedly does no harm, but He shrugged. Its a thing of the gods. Best to stay away.

I could not help it; I laughed. Yes, I agree!

Tvril looked at me oddly, a small uncertain smile on his lips. You seem comfortable.

I shrugged. It isnt my nature to spend all my time fretting. Whats done is done. Nahadoths words.

Tvril shifted uncomfortably, flicking a few stray windblown hairs out of his face. Im told that an army gathers along the pass that leads from Menchey into Darr.

I steepled my fingers and gazed at them, stilling the voice that cried out within myself. Scimina had played her game well. If I did not choose her, I had no doubt she had left instructions for Gemd to begin the slaughter. Gemd might do it anyhow once I set the Enefadeh free, but I was counting on the world being preoccupied with survival amid the outbreak of another Gods War. Sieh had promised that Darr would be kept safe through the cataclysm. I wasnt sure I entirely trusted that promise, but it was better than nothing.

For what felt like the hundredth time, I considered and discarded the idea of approaching Relad. Sciminas people were on the ground; her knife was at Darrs throat. If I chose Relad at the ceremony, could he act before that knife cut a fatal wound? I could not bet my peoples future on a man I didnt even respect.

Only the gods could help me now.

Relad has confined himself in his quarters, Tvril said, obviously thinking along the same lines as me. He receives no calls, lets no one in, not even the servants. The Father knows what hes eatingor drinking. There are bets among the highbloods that hell kill himself before the ball.