It doesn't take long for me to come. Not once. Not twice. But three times—just from his mouth alone. "You gotta be quiet," he chuckles. "This is public space."

"Shut up," I tell him. "Get naked."

He laughs, but he does what I ask. Then he climbs on top of me and positions himself. "I'm gonna make love to you now," he says into my neck. "And I'm going to do it right this time."

"Okay," I moan, running a hand down his back. "And after we make love, can you screw me?"

He stifles his laugh with my neck.

"And then after you screw me, can you fuck me?"

He slams inside me without warning. And then his body tenses and he looks up. "Shit, Luce, I didn't even ask. Are you... I mean... can we?"

"I'm on the pill." I kiss him passionately, tasting myself on his tongue... feeling him get even bigger inside of me. "Now make love to me so we can get to the kinky shit."

CHAPTER FORTY

-CAMERON-

I don't like to think that Lucy and I broke up last summer. I say that we just restarted—created a new round of firsts. Everything else is the same as it has always been. I have more spare time now that I'm not working at the firm, and I can take it a little easier because there isn't the pressure of a scholarship weighing on me.

A few weeks ago, Logan came back. He still won't really talk about what happened, but he's happy. And I know the main reason is because of Amanda.

Lucy's happy too, she got two of her best friends back. And me—I'm just happy that she's happy.

She called me crying once after the girls had book club. She asked that I come over right away. Of course, I did. She said that she told Amanda about us—about not being able to have any children. She said it was the first time she's really told anybody straight out. She hasn't told Rose, and Micky and Jake knew because they were at the hospital. But Micky didn't really understand how, or why, but she never asked. She said that she explained it in detail to them, and they all sat there and cried. It was emotionally exhausting for all of them. Amanda asked if Logan knew, she told her that he didn't, but that she could tell him. So we were both expecting the knock that came on her door a couple hours later. He stood with his hands in his pockets and his head lowered. She said his name and he looked up at her, eyes red from his own tears. He didn't speak; he just wrapped his arms around her. It could've been minutes; it could've been hours. He looked past her and to me, sitting on her bed feeling everything she did. He told me he was sorry and that things would be okay, and that he'd be there for me if I ever needed anything—and he said all of that without ever speaking a word. Lucy hugged him back. I don't know if it was for her or for him.

When he was ready he pulled away, nodded once at her, and then shoved his hands back in his pockets and left. She closed the door after him, laid down in bed with me, and then she said something I'd been thinking about since the day we found out about the miscarriage. "What do you think she would have looked like?"

We spent the rest of the night talking about her. Talking about our Hope. It was a moment of clarity, and a moment of healing. And like every other night, we declared our love for each other and we fell asleep in each other's arms. And the next morning, we woke up, and we moved on.

***

"Lucas is on campus," she says, looking down at her phone.

I pull up to the curb in front of Jake and Micky's house. "What's he doing here?"

"He just said he was looking around."

I get out and wait for her at the front of the car. "Is he still undecided about coming here?"

"I guess."

We walk through their side gate and into the yard where everyone's already sitting. I sit on a chair and she sits next to me, typing out a text on her phone. "He said he went to my room, and then to yours. Minge was there, he somehow convinced him to drive him to some party. He's there now. He says he's only staying a little while and then he'll come here." She reaches into the cooler next to her and pulls out a drink.

"Hey Luce," Logan says. "You remember when you were scared of your vagina?"

Amanda's head throws back in laughter.

"I don't even want to ask," Ethan, her brother, speaks up.

"Remember when we sat around naming it?" Jake chimes in.

I laugh with them.

"Not funny," she says, but she's laughing too.

"Dylan had the best ones!" Logan adds. "Fuck, I miss that kid."

"I know! And every time we speak his name it's like we all have to have a moment of silence for our lost brother..." I say.

"Lost to the Marines?" Micky asks.

"We should do that," Jake says, ignoring her. "Every time we say his name we have to be quiet and pay our respect."

We all laugh, but agree to do it.

An hour later, Lucy's buzzed. Half an hour after that, she's borderline wasted. "I'm gonna call Lucas, see what's up." She dials his number and brings the phone to her ear. "Where are you?" she asks. Seconds of quiet pass, then a look of disgust takes over her face. "Dude, are you having sex?"

The guys cheer.

She hangs up and mocks a shiver. "Gross."

Ten minutes later he shows up. I have to make the introductions because Lucy's too busy making exaggerated gagging sounds.

"Bathroom, bedroom or car?" Logan asks him.

Lucy gets louder.

Amanda turns to Logan. "What? You're so yuck."

He just shrugs. "Past life, baby. Before you."

Amanda starts matching Lucy's sounds.

Lucas spins in a circle in the middle looking for a seat. I pull on Lucy's arm until she's up and on my lap, and tell him to take her seat.

Once Lucy's settled and her sounds have died down, Lucas answers, "Car."

And the gagging starts again. Lucas laughs at her. Then for some reason he thinks it's a good idea to bug her some more. "She was a screamer, too," he says.

"Shut up!"

"I didn't even have to do anything. She rode me in her backseat. Her hands gripped her open sunroof and she just went hard. Really hard. I had to keep looking out the window to see if we were gonna get caught. She had a filthy mouth, too."

"I swear it, Lucas, shut up!"

His low chuckle turns to a guffaw.

"I bet you didn't even know her name!"

"Yeah, I did," he says, almost looking offended. "It was... Robby? No! Roxy."

I tense. Blood whooshes loudly in my ears, but everywhere else... Dead. Fucking. Silence.

"Did someone say Dylan?" Ethan pipes up.

"Roxy!" Lucy roars.

Lucas's eyebrows bunch. "Yeah, why?" Then his eyes widen and focus on me.

I duck behind Lucy's shoulder.

"I'll murder her!" she shouts, her glare fixed on Lucas.

"Fuck," he spits.

"What the fuck is wrong with that whore! First my boyfriend, now my brother!"

His hands go up in surrender. "I swear I didn't know." He looks so fucking scared that I'd laugh if I didn't actually think he had a reason to be. He tries to back away from her but he falls back in his seat and crashes to the ground.