“Shhh, it’s okay,” Mark murmurs, and her sobs destroy me.

Even though I can’t move, every piece of me is in pain.

I fucked up.

“It’s not okay. None of this is okay,” she sniffles. “I thought we were going to find our way, Mark. I was ready to fight everything for him. Then he ripped me apart and he left me! He fucking left and didn’t look back. I know he had to leave to handle the situation with Aaron. I wasn’t against him leaving for that … just him leaving me! There’s something else. I know it.” Catherine’s voice shakes in anger.

My mind is slipping as I try to keep up with their conversation. I struggle to focus but the sounds are blurring together. I’m fucking drained.

“He has his reasons, Cat. You may not like them. Fuck, I don’t like them.”

“What reasons?” She sounds small and scared.

The exhaustion is overtaking as I fall back asleep unable to know what Mark will tell her.

Pain. The pain is back. It travels through me as I try to process what is going on.

“Okay, motherfucker, I’ve been patient. I’ve let you lie here and not said shit. I’ve held her while she cried. I’ve called your family. Done everything waiting for you to man up. But I’m done now, Muff. Wake the fuck up!” Mark’s voice interrupts my foggy sleep.

Oh, I’m awake now, dickhead.

“I’m so mad at you! You go and get shot in front of me. You always have to be the fucking martyr. You couldn’t take cover like I said to? I told you to watch your six. Now look, you’re fucking half dead.” Mark’s voice cracks on the last word.

“I’m not going to be the only one left here, asshole. You think you’re the only one here who lost them? I fucking lost them too. So, what? You’re going to quit and make me carry all of it? No, you wake up and you deal with this shit too. I was on the same mission! I watched them get carried out. I heard the same fucking sounds and lived the same hell. You weren’t the sole person responsible for them going into that village. I was there too,” he stops and exhales.

“I could’ve said we should stay together, but it was risky either way. Selfish fucking asshole you are. I’ve let you be this self-sacrificing prick for long enough. You don’t get to be the only one allowed to hurt. There were six of us! Six of us who walked into that fucking village and only three came out. There’s not a day I don’t think about them. I remember walking into that fucking funeral watching Melissa grieve. Watching Crystal hold on to that flag. Now there are only two. So who carries the fucking guilt if you die? Huh, you selfish son of a bitch? That’s what I thought. Just lie there and let me deal with this alone. God, you’re such a pussy.” Mark breaks off, drawing a few deep breaths.

I want to scream, choke, and claw my way out of my own skin. Selfish? Fuck him. He didn’t send them to their deaths. He wasn’t the one who had to make the call. I did. When I get out of this coma, I’m gonna kill him myself.

“And then what? You’re going to walk away from her too? Why? You need to get your fucking head straight. I was there for that too, you know. I watched her almost ruin you. But Catherine isn’t Maddie. And if you’re going to do this to her then you don’t deserve her. She loves you for some stupid ass reason. She didn’t hesitate for a second to come running when I told her you were hurt. She jumped on a plane. Maddie wouldn’t have. But you don’t see that because your head is shoved so far up your ass. You forget the bad and focus on how this was somehow your fault. You’re not responsible for all the bad shit that happens in life. I swear to God, Jackson, you die and I’ll fucking find you in the afterlife and kill you myself.” His own emotions become too much as I hear his breath catch.

I hate him in this moment because he says all this when I can’t defend myself. There’s no chance for me to tell him to shut the fuck up. I don’t want to hear what he’s saying about Madelyn or Catherine. They aren’t the same, but he wasn’t there. He didn’t see it. He didn’t know that once again my decisions had consequences. No, instead he wants to tell me how I’m wrong? Mark better pray I don’t come around right now.

After some silence, Mark’s breathing returns to normal.

“Hey,” Catherine’s voice is close and soft. “You okay?”

“No. I’m not.” Mark sounds empty.

“Yeah,” she pauses and lets out a deep exhale. “Me either.”

How long have I been out? It’s like I’m in some alternate universe. Some Tim Burton movie where you think you’re being drugged. I’m waiting for dancing ponies or a talking pumpkin to appear.

“How long have you been standing there?” Mark questions.

“Just long enough to hear you threatening to kill him yourself. Which I’m sure if he can hear us, he’s ready to choke you for.” She gives a small half-hearted laugh.

“I’m sure, but at this point I don’t give a shit. Hopefully I pissed him off enough to wake up. I thought by now …”

“Mark, it’ll—” Catherine’s voice is low.

“Sorry, Kitty. Come here.”

She sighs and I imagine he has her wrapped in his arms. Holding her close while I lie here and get to picture it. Why the fuck am I not waking up? The idea of Catherine in any other man’s arms is enough to make me want to tear my heart out. I know Mark would never cross that line, but I’m going out of my mind. I need to touch her, hold her, and let her know it’s all going to be okay.

“You know, I keep hoping I’ll wake up and be back in my apartment and all this will be a bad dream,” Catherine says with a shaky voice.

“He’s always been that guy in the group who wanted to prove everyone wrong. I hoped I could get him angry enough that his eyes would snap out and he’d be swinging at me.” He gives a short laugh, “Well, at least he could try.”

He’s not that far off. If I could’ve gotten my body to work I would’ve. Dickhead.

“But hope is for the weak—I have faith,” Mark tacks on.

“Each time you and I talk, I realize I don’t know him. We happened so fast, but everything was intense and felt right.”

She’s wrong. She knows me more than anyone. Catherine sees the things I don’t show anyone else. I let her in where it matters. Yet she thinks she knows nothing?

Shimmering lights all around, twinkling and growing brighter as the music plays. The sound of the bass reverberates through me as the drum solo plays in. My entire body vibrates with it.

Bam … bam … boom.

Standing at the beach with the sun shining upon my face. No one is here, just me as I wait for her. I close my eyes and breathe in the salt air. Allowing it to calm me, reminding me how I feel at home with the sea.

Slowly my eyes lift and I start to take her in as she walks toward me.

No shoes.

White dress.

As my eyes travel up to her face, I stand rooted in shock. Again she’s here.

“Jackson,” she whispers. “Come back to me.”

My heart stops beating as I gape at her. Six years she was my life and then she was gone. Taking all my hope, my love, and part of my heart when she left. I was empty and dead inside, but now she’s here again. Why? Why does she have to take from me over and over? Can’t she let me be?